Singles, Sex, and Intimacy

Why do married people get relational intimacy and sex, and we don’t?

Can we just put the question out there?

Maybe you love being single, and your life has been the grandest of adventures. However, even for the most fulfilled of singles, this discontent creeps in from time to time; the thought we are missing out on something even more wonderful than all of this – Marriage.

Marriage. The fulfillment of all your heart’s deepest longings. The ultimate satisfaction and joy on this side of Heaven. The only way to real and abundant life.

As you were reading that (I hope), you were shaking your head. You know it’s not true. Why, then, do we feel so deprived, as if being single is somehow a lesser existence? Why do we try to encourage single adults with empty promises like “God has the right person for you, just be patient and keep waiting on Him!” As if marriage is His perfect will for our lives, or better than being single?

Two very important people would likely disagree; Jesus and Paul.

John Piper does an amazing job opening up the words of Jesus in Matthew 19 – here’s an excerpt from his article on it:
When Jesus was teaching about marriage and he told his disciples there is no back door — once you walk in, you are committed for better or for worse till death separates you: no back door — the disciples were stunned that Jesus shut the back door of marriage. And they said, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10).

Then Jesus said something even more amazing: Not everyone is able to enter this relationship with such a high demand. And then he uses the word “eunuch” to describe different kinds of people who don’t enter marriage. Here is what he says in Matthew 19:11, “Not everyone can receive this saying” — this high expectation of marriage without a back door — “but only those to whom it is given” — in other words, only divine grace. “For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this, receive it” (Matthew 19:12).

And then, Paul:

…those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that …
³² I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. ³³ But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, ³⁴ and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. ³⁵ I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
^…he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
³⁹ A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. ⁴⁰ Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is….”

In our culture, we want to caveat Paul’s words. “Well, he didn’t REALLY mean…Surely, he meant that the best thing for us is to get married. Truly, He would have told us today that God’s best plan for us is to get married and have children. Being single isn’t a sin, obviously…but ideally, He would prefer to have us be married.” Why do we do that? We flip his words upside down. All of a sudden, marriage is the ideal and singleness is the concession.

Instead of taking these men at their word, we try to fit them into the frame of what our culture says about marriage. We’ve made relationships about romance instead of sanctification, and in doing so, have ripped the heart out of marriage and the joy out of singleness.

A married friend said this to me recently; “Marriage is a part of one’s discipleship. When we elevate it and idolize it, it becomes something we can no longer talk openly about.”

Buying into the lie that marriage is supposed to satisfy and fulfill us will discourage us if we are not married and disillusion us if we are. Paul tells us we are happier single, spared from a great deal of worldly trouble that could otherwise befall us. What if we dared to believe him?

That being said, as single adults, we have valid, painful longings for intimacy. Most of us don’t want to die a virgin. For some reason, that feels like missing out. But here’s the thing – what if sex isn’t really what we want?

Hear me out.

Union between a husband and wife is as real as anything between two humans can be. However, it is not ultimate reality. All we are, and everything we know as life on earth, are shadows and metaphors for something greater, eternal, and more tangible than our shadow-brains can comprehend. Whatever we experience here, whether love, sex, food, or friendship – and the longings we experience from the lack of these things – the Ultimate Reality and fulfillment is Him.

So, let’s ask the question; those of us who could die single…are we really missing ultimate joy?

Entertain the thought for a moment – I’ll seek to convince you of this in the next blog – that anything a husband and wife can find in each other is just a picture, a glimpse, a shadow…of something you are meant to have with God Himself.

“You’re crazy.”

Yeah, probably. But read the next one, and then let me know what you think.

-A

Singles, Marrieds, and Sharing the Table

I wasn’t sure how to respond. My friend had just admitted to fighting with her spouse -in detail- and my kneejerk thought was, “Is their marriage in trouble?” I kept trying to put a sunny spin on it, give her an opportunity to backtrack or change her words. She didn’t, and what floored me the most is this didn’t seem to bother her. I had never had a married friend be so open about their marital struggles, and it was jarring to me. I thought because I’d never heard anyone else admit to such things, if she was admitting them, surely they were on the brink of divorce.

_____________________________________________

“I mean…I get why they don’t want to be single.”
I was having a conversation with a different set of married friends about Christian singles, particularly gay singles. The thought of demanding that anyone stay unmarried, especially when we have such a difficult time loving and including single people in the church, is a deeply discomforting thought to me.
We sat in silence for a while.
“Why can’t men and women in the church be friends? Why can’t I have relationship with brothers?”
We talked about our culture for a while – why it’s so difficult for men and women to connect as friends – and then she mentioned Lisa and Harold* as an example of the exception. “They’re really good friends.”
“But what about when one of them gets married?”
He shrugged. “It’ll change. It has to.”
He went on to outline the complications of single women being close friends with married men, and vice versa, citing the scripture that exhorts us to avoid the appearance of evil.
I started to question him. “But what if-”
He continued, answering my question before I finished it. “Even if our culture is to blame for attributing inappropriate behavior to an innocent relationship, we have the responsibility as believers to avoid that.”
……..
“Why should married people be the only ones to experience relational intimacy? It’s not fair.”
She shook her head. “It’s not.”
……..
“Sometimes I wonder if, for all this talk about how singleness is a ‘gift’, married people don’t go to bed at night thanking God they escaped it. I imagine you guys laying down next to each other and saying, “aren’t you glad it’s not us?”
She laughed. “I promise that’s not what happens.”
……..
“And…what can we do? What hope is there for those of us who may never have spouses or families?”
His answer caught me off guard. “Sharing the table, and everything that entails. Married people and families need to make singles a part of their lives.”

We sat in silence a bit longer.
“And…what can singles do for the married people in the church?”
She answered.  “You can pray for us, and include us in things.”
___________________________________

I have been thinking deeply about the family of God and what a need we have for each other, particularly the relationships between us singles and our married brothers and sisters. I’ve been wondering what His design was originally for us all to fit together, and how far we’ve come from that.

I’m trying to put to words the two things that are bothering me the most, and it might not come out right, so bear with me.

On the one side, everyone knows how hard it can be to be single. We’ve all experienced it at one point. Singles are free to lament, grieve, and even complain about how lonely we are, and people have compassion on us…most of the time. However, I perceive that our married counterparts have significantly less freedom.

As a single, it’s frustrating to me that my married brothers and sisters aren’t free to openly acknowledge when they’re struggling in their marriages.

When did marriage adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy?

Why is it that marital strife (Which I no longer assume is abnormal, given that marriages are only ever between two deeply flawed people) is kept so under wraps?

Why do we heap shame on men and women who have the courage to admit that their spouses aren’t perfect, and that they have needs which cannot be met by that one person? I’ve come to treasure the honesty of my friend who shared where she was at in her marriage, and wishing all of my married friends were free to do the same in the context of safe community instead of suffering silently. (By the way, this friend is still faithfully and, as far as I can tell, happily married.)

On the other side, as a single, it’s really frustrating to me that we are so pitied by our brothers and sisters…and that we so often pity ourselves. We have become like our culture by idolizing marriage to the detriment of both singles and marrieds. My next blog is going to expand on this, but for now, let me say…

As of lately, I have this vision of what the church could be. I see married people being able to talk openly about their struggles without fear of rejection or shaming. I see single people being valued as whole people, equal image bearers and equal representatives of Christ and His bride. I see us sharing life together, sisters and brothers, lifting each other up and engaging each other in vulnerability and truth. Sharing the table, as my brother so eloquently put it. Communion. Koininea. I pray it comes on this side of His return. We’ll be better for it.

-A

God, the bible, and same-sex relations: ground rules and common ground

Friends, I am so sorry for my absence the past few months. It has been a crazy ride, but I am still very much invested in this blog and getting to the bottom of this question. You have my word; this is life and death to me, and I will see it through to the end. I hope you’ll hang in there with me.

A brief recap – The question I want to address in this series is “Does God validate same-sex unions, according to the bible, read in its historical and cultural contexts?”

 To me, the question would boil down to whether or not gay marriage is recognized as a valid covenant by God. The answer to this question would dictate whether a sexual relationship inside said marriage is holy or unholy. The bible’s stance on sex – any kind of sex – is that it is unacceptable outside of a marriage covenant. For those who wish to know God and follow Jesus, the covenant must come first. This won’t be the only question we’ll cover, but it is the main one, in my opinion.

There tend to be two main viewpoints in the Christian world when it comes to the question of same-sex unions. For the purpose of this blog, we’ll call them “Traditional” and “Non-traditional.” I doubt I’m the first person to define the terms this way, but I have no one to cite for their original usage, to my knowledge; if you do, please let me know as soon as possible so I can credit them!

I should say that none of what I’m sharing with you here is new research. It’s all from scholars who have done the work for us. My hope in writing a blog is to make the information that is already out there more accessible and time-efficient for those of you who are (for whatever reason) unable get access to or read any of these books in their entirety. I’ll be drawing from 4 main sources: From the Non-traditional side, Colby Martin’s “Unclobber” video series and Matthew Vines’ book, “God and the Gay Christian.” On the traditional side, Preston Sprinkle’s book, “People to Be Loved” and Sam Alberry’s book, “Is God anti-gay?”

To begin, I want to cover what both viewpoints have in common.

1) Both agree that same-sex attraction is not sinful. The idea that attraction in itself is sinful has led to several harmful and sinful behaviors against LGBTQ individuals. Traditionals and Non-traditionals agree; behavior can be sinful, but sexual orientation is not.

2) Both agree that the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah had nothing to do with gay men. You can google that.

3) People on both sides display a sincere reverence for The Lord and a desire to know what His word means when it seems to speak on this topic.

4) People on both sides seem to have a problem with the distinction between acceptance and approval. Non-traditionalism says, “To accept gay people fully, you must approve of their decision to marry and affirm it…or you don’t accept them as people.” Traditionalism says, “If you accept LGBT individuals and couples as people, you’re approving of their ‘sinful’ behavior.” I see errors in both of these lines of thinking.

Here is a full disclosure on where I am at: I have gone back and forth over the years on this. Where I stand now, I believe the bible teaches what history and tradition have said it does, which is that the only marriage covenant God honors requires a gender difference.

HOWEVER, I am incredibly reluctant to hold this view, mainly because the thought of forced celibacy – denial of a marriage partnership – to all gay people who wish to follow Jesus is repulsive to me. It seems such a harsh burden to lay on anyone, and I say this having already committed myself to an indefinite season of celibacy and singleness, even if Jesus requires it of me until my dying day. The difference is, no one laid down an ultimatum and said this was the only way I could honor Jesus with my life…but this is what we are telling our gay brothers and sisters. This breaks and burdens me. I cannot yet reconcile it with the loving nature of my God. I pray that the way will become clear as we seek it out together.

I would love to get some input from you, dear readers. Where else do you see the two sides agreeing? Where is our common ground? I’m not asking this to pretend there are not serious differences – that’s the point of this whole blog, is the differences – but I want to get some false preconceptions and arguments out of the way before we dive in. please share your thoughts!

Their Story, My Journey; God, the bible, and same-sex relations

This post has been a long time coming. I have experienced being on both sides of this very polarizing issue. a bit of background on me, for those who find it relevant:

I was raised in a religious home, and grew up believing what I was told. What I was told was “Homosexuality is a sin.” I didn’t know the implications of that statement, and I didn’t really care. It wasn’t an issue close to home for me until my brother came out in high school.

After my parent’s divorce and our ostracism from the church, I swung to the other end of the spectrum. Gay marriage was a beautiful blessing, and deserved full acceptance. anyone who thought otherwise was bigoted and hateful, in the same camp as the men who compared my precious younger brother to a homicidal maniac.

I met Jesus when I was 18, and He has been decimating my worldviews ever since. I have learned to hold just about every belief I have with an open hand, including this one. The longer I’ve walked with Him in my adult years, the more “balanced” my view has become. a couple of years ago, I inched back towards what some people call “Side B,” or “Non-affirming.”  A couple of months ago, I started questioning all over again.

I’ve had hurtful things said to me by loved ones on both sides of the spectrum. I’ve had people on one side accuse me of being a false teacher and leading people to hell, and I’ve had others tell me I can’t be an ally if I don’t embrace full inclusion.

I’ve decided people are going to judge and malign me no matter where I end up, so I’m going to try to stop caring what you think.

Everything is at stake for me here. I hope, whoever you are, you can respect that. I have a very full and very busy life, but this means enough to me that I’m committing a large chunk of my time and resources to seeking out answers and sharing them with you. I hope you’ll come along with me. I encourage your pushback and your challenges. I don’t want to leave a single question un-asked or a single stone unturned.

If you’ve made up your mind, awesome. I want to know what you know. if you’re on the fence, wonderful. Tell me what you want to know.

Without further ado…

What is the difference between a church and a nightclub?

What is the difference between a Church and a night club?

No, it’s not a joke. This is an honest question which begs our honest consideration.

By now, the world knows about the massacre that took place in Orlando almost a week ago. 50 people – priceless souls – had their lives mercilessly and senselessly stolen. In the wake of this destruction, the world did what the world does best. It divided us. The media spotlighted people who did and said evil things in the name of their “religion” and made them out to be representatives of those religions. Every story that surfaced on my news feed screamed “US” and “THEM”.

Here’s what I want you to ask yourself; had the gunman walked into a religious building and killed the same number of people there, what would the difference have been?

My proposal to you is this; there is no difference. Not one. Damn. Difference.

In a culture where our labels define us, a world where our titles divide us…I believe there is no true difference between a soul in a nightclub and a soul in a church building.

In both places, you will find people. Some are lost, but most of them aren’t aware of it. Some have found God, some are searching for Him, and some are a combination of both. You’ll find believers and practical agnostics. Some will be gay and others straight, some will identify with the physical gender assigned them at birth and others will not. In both places, every single person you meet is a sinner.

Yeah, we hate that word, don’t we? We always think it describes someone else. No, dear one; it is you, and it is me. It is your grandma and your child and your best friend in the world. We are sinners. Not one of us can be called good or innocent. Some of us are forgiven, and we should never presume to know who is and who is not. This has never been our place or our call. But we do this, don’t we? We draw lines, we align ourselves with those we think are ‘like’ us, and we alienate those who are ‘unlike’ us. We shut out those who would grieve with us because they don’t know what it’s like to be us. We distance ourselves and our heart recites the prayer of the Pharisee, “God, I thank you that I am not like them (Luke 18:11).” We say, “Someone like *them* hurt me, so I will not trust *them*.”

Read this slowly. You are “them”. “They” are you. “Us” and “them” is a lie from one who has only ever spoken lies. Please erase those words and their mindset from your vocabulary. The truth is we are sinners who are wildly loved, every one of us. We are sinners who have been given unimaginable worth. We are souls that can only be bought with Perfect blood.

On Sunday, all over the world, in bars and in church buildings, sinners gathered looking for God and refuge and relationship. Thousands of them died. On Monday and every day after, the same story. Thousands of souls run out of time. Billions of us somehow made it to today. It’s not because we’re different or better or more deserving. Every moment you draw a breath that is not hellfire is a gift undeserved. That might sound harsh to some, but I don’t know how else to get this point across.

Some of you still want to draw a line. You want to discredit my words because of the labels you’ve ascribed to me – cisgender, white, Christian, woman, etc. – and you want to make a distinction between us. I won’t stop you. However, I want to plead with those of you who profess the same faith I do, to stop being the ones to draw those lines. The lines are imaginary. At the feet of God, all ground is level, and we are all equally in need of Someone to stand in the gap for us. I pray we would lay down every identity the world has attempted to label us with and take up one.

Loved.